Roles from the Outside, Roles from the Inside
I asked a supermarket cashier how she was doing the other day, and she said, “Not so good. I used to like my job but people are so much angrier these days.”
And they were taking their anger out on her.
Objects, Roles, and Labels: When We Are Outside Looking In, We Risk Reducing Persons to Functions
Joann Peterson wrote a short, profound, and practical book about anger and violence: how to express anger without doing psychological or physical violence to your self or to the selves of other people.
“There are two common components of all violence: viewing someone impersonally as an ‘object’ or ‘role’ and the crossing of a boundary with the desire to control. (…) People acting in the violent part of the spectrum tend to see objects, roles and labels, rather than other people. A willingness to engage and relate in a personal manner is characteristic of the focus in a non-violent anger expression.” (Peterson 2021, p 27, p 70)
Along with physical violence, Peterson discusses how we often bundle our anger with psychological forms of violence such as verbal abuse, manipulation, passive-aggression, or the silent treatment.
Violence begins in our minds. The seed of interpersonal violence is planted as soon as we see an object, role, or label; in place of a full human being before us.
This person exists to clean up after me.
This person is always supposed to pay for dinner.
This person must always be nice to me and be patient with me; no matter how I behave to them.
This person had better refund my money.
One way or another, reducing people to roles, objects, or labels springs from the attitude that a person in a given role inherently owes you something: obedience, deference, cheerfulness, work, sex, money.
When we see others as objects, roles, or labels, we also see ourselves in complementary roles where we are entitled to something from them. Or, we see ourselves as being superior in some way (e.g. “My political opinions are thoughtful, nuanced, and informed by solid evidence and cogent life experience; your political opinions are the parroting of mindless talking points.”)
I am the customer, and the customer is always right.
I am the employer, I do not need to negotiate with my employee.
I am the mom, I am the dad, I demand respect.
When we see ourselves or other people as objects, roles, or labels, we stop seeing relationships between complex, living persons. We see transactions instead.
We are less likely to give others the benefit of the doubt.
We may stop seeing others as whole, complex persons with values, priorities, and needs beyond their momentary expression of their role.
We may take out our personal frustrations on the young woman behind the supermarket checkout counter.
Roles as Spiritual Formation: When We Are Inside Looking Out, Roles Can Become Spiritual Paths
When you are inside a role looking out at the world, living out a role can be a catalyst for personal and spiritual growth.
Roles lived out from the inside can be creative, expressive, and expansive. They can even become a spiritual practice.
Recently the columnist Kathleen Parker wrote about her encounter with a young man at a rental car kiosk, at a crowded train station. He was cheerful, he was friendly, and he was great at his job.
Travelers are often stressed and frustrated; as was she, that day.
She discovered that this man’s kindness and excellence in the role were on purpose. His role was also a practice.
He was using his customer service role very intentionally as a way to make others’ lives better.
“I thanked him and said, “It’s so nice to see someone smile.” His response blew me away.
“I smile because other people are going to have a bad day,” he said. “But I’m not going to have a bad day because I’m going to change someone’s day.” I just looked at him, wondering how he had become this person — so wise and kind. I was about to ask, but he was already turning back toward the station. I called after him: “You changed my day!” (Parker, 2022)
Roles can be catalysts for spiritual growth when we live them freely and voluntarily from the inside; and when we explore how we can express our roles to help ourselves and others live well.
To See Others as Persons, Slow Down
I am as guilty as anyone, when I am irritable or under stress, of seeing the role but not the whole person momentarily expressing the role.
I also have an easy-press sarcasm button.
But I do not want to be the kind of person who is sarcastic and irritable toward others.
This is not how I want to live out my own roles.
Many people* who write about mindfulness, and about handling emotions skillfully, write about the importance of cultivating curiosity and humility toward others.
Replacing knee-jerk assumptions with curiosity and humility toward other persons, is a great practice.
But the key for me, the key that unlocks my own empathy and interest in others, is far more basic.
It is to slo-o-ow down.
I slow myself down in many ways. I arrange my life very deliberately not to put myself in the stress of being in a hurry.
When I am hurried, I am more likely to get irritable and sarcastic with others, and feel stressed and unhappy inside.
It is very important to me, a major value for me, that I relate to others as whole persons; rather than objects, roles, or labels.
And in order to see others as whole persons, I must first slo-o-ow down.
I track my hours, to make sure I am not overworking myself. (Work can expand endlessly; but our personal reserves cannot.)
I make sure I take walks every day, which I do more for the emotional benefits than the physical ones.
I do some journaling to sort out my thoughts and feelings before I unleash them on the rest of the world.
I use checklists to help myself feel prepared and ready to greet the day, whatever it brings.
I pay attention to things that increase my wonder at life.
If I intend to write an email or make a phone call about something that is stressful to me, I write a draft or a script, I time-stamp it, and put it in a folder in my computer called “24 Hour Parking Lot.” **
Here is a lovely picture of my favorite coaster, which is a cheery looking snail, clearly enjoying living at the speed of life.
This coaster makes me laugh every time I see it. And - you have to slow down, to speed up.
It is never good when I see others as snails: that means I am labeling them.
But it is great to see myself as this cheerful snail.
Things will get done if I slow down. In fact, if I slow down, important things are more likely to get done. Paradoxically, things will often get done better, and quicker, when I slow down.
This is why grandma and grandpa said stuff like: haste makes waste; you have to slow down to speed up; measure twice, cut once.
When I practice slowing down, it’s also more likely that the right things will get done.
Such as seeing other people — no matter what their momentary role is — as full, human persons; who deserve my thoughtfulness, presence, and respect.
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References
Peterson, J.S. (2021) Anger, Boundaries and Safety. Haven Press. Kindle Edition.
Washington Post (26 April 22) ‘Opinion | What I learned from one man’s help and civility’. Available at: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2022/04/26/customer-service-rental-car-washington/ (Accessed: 1 July 2022).
Notes
* And in the prairie dog village I laughingly call my memory, the names of those writers are currently hidden underground…
** Nothing from my “24 Hour Parking Lot” folder has gone out unedited; many of the items I put in there for my cooling off period, have never been sent at all.