How to Find Out What Actually Makes Your Life Better
What does it mean to live a well-lived life? Are you living a fulfilling life now, or doing things that will lead to one later?
If you’re anything like me, such a baggy, existential question is both exciting and frustrating.
It’s easy to get caught up in overthinking when it comes to whether or not you are living a well-lived life, a deep life, a good life.
You might feel a sense of restlessness or discontent but not know how to move toward something better. You might wonder, what does it mean anyway, to live well? What does that even look like?
A Fulfilling Life Cannot Be Summed Up with a Photo
Popular culture doesn’t help much with this question. Western culture glamorizes appearances: we are surrounded by photos of good looking people, displayed with good looking things. How people look, and what physical items surround them, is easy information to distribute. It’s visible. It’s on the surface. And these images make a lot of money for a lot of people, linking the idea of a good life with a stream of consumer goods and services, from fitness gear to furnishings.
This is sold to us as the good life: to present a good looking appearance, surrounded by good looking things.
When you picture a good life, what images come to mind? Are they images that welled up from your inner being, or are they images superimposed on your imagination by ads?
If I am Botox-beautiful, and I have visibly toned muscles, and I’m photographed in flowing white linen, in my meticulously landscaped outdoor room with a free-standing fireplace and potted trees and chic dinnerware and expensive patio furnishings and fresh flower arrangements, I must be living the good life, right? Don’t get me wrong… these images are prevalent because they are designed to appeal, and I would love such an outdoor room.
But what photograph could prove that someone is financially secure? If someone displays nice things, it does not mean they are solvent. It might in fact mean the opposite. Financial writer Morgan Housel points out when most people think of being wealthy, they think about what it would be like to spend a million dollars, which is “literally the opposite of being a millionaire.” (Housel 2020, p 81)
What photograph could prove someone is physically healthy? If someone has toned muscles, or impeccable style, it does not mean they are free of life-threatening diseases like diabetes or even cancer.
People’s appearances and the things they are photographed with, tell us nothing about the relationships they have with others, or the things that are meaningful to them, or what they actually own or owe financially, or how creative they are.
Because we are so often sold this idea that outward appearances point to something meaningful about a good life, our first task toward a more fulfilling life is to separate what can be photographed easily, from what cannot be conveyed with an image alone.
It’s important to get really clear about this.
If I display the right looks, and I display the right things, does this mean I’m having the right life?
And conversely, if I am old and overweight and wear serviceable but not fashionable clothes, and I drive a ten year old car, does this mean my life must be unfulfilling? If stylish grooming and luxury items — all of which are expensive to acquire and maintain — if those are aggressively sold to us as “success,” does the absence of these things mean your life is a failure?
What if I am old, overweight, and wear boring clothes, and drive a ten year old car… and I also have enough money set aside to allow me to live my old age with dignity; and I have great relationships with family and friends; and I have a welcoming home to enjoy; and I volunteer in my community to make it a better place; and I have creative outlets that delight me and also others; and I have the wisdom and skills and mobility to take a grandchild out some fine morning to go foraging for mushrooms with me?
The well-lived life is not easily summed up in a photograph. But consumerism is.
A well-lived life can only really be told in stories — the stories we tell ourselves about our lives, and the stories others tell, about what it is like for them to live around us.
Photos of good looking people and good looking things, tell us diddly-squat about the realities behind them.
Next time you see an image of a styled, toned, smiling person draped in fashionable clothing, set in luxurious surroundings, ask yourself how that staged, propped, modeled, professionally photographed, edited and curated image came to be.
And don’t confuse it with how a well-lived life comes to be.
Our imaginations about a well-lived life are soaked with staged images of material luxuries.
But to live well, we have to look inwardly; not outwardly at the staged images that saturate our world. We have to set our own internal GPS, based on what is actually, experientially, fulfilling.
Instead of Wondering What Fulfills You, Track What Energizes You
And now we confront those existential questions again: Do you feel fulfilled? Are you building a well-lived life, a life you’ll look back on with more satisfaction than regret?
But what if you don’t yet know what makes your life better? Aaaargh! Another recipe for overthinking!
For me, the key to resolving this was a chance remark in an interview with the psychology researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky.
She said that happiness is deeply linked with energy levels.
Bingo!
I may always not know what I want. I may not be able to articulate yet what makes me happy; what makes me feel fulfilled.
But I can know what gives me energy, and I can know what drains me.
You get real clarity by tracking what gives you energy.
You either feel energized by something, or by the thought or memory of something; or you feel drained by it.
If you want to know what is actually fulfilling for you, what makes you happy, what leads you toward a well-lived life, track what gives you energy. Write it down, so you can look at it later. Use a quick, simple system like this battery tracker.
A little nuance here: some things give you energy right away, but leave you feeling drained later. Some things are draining in the moment, but energize you later.
It was draining to dig the hole to plant this tree peony, the first year I had it. But its blossoms give me energy and joy, every spring.
I might be energized in the moment by watching videos on my phone; but later on I might feel drained when I realize I didn’t intend to be on my phone that long. And if I make that a default activity, then future Anna will feel drained by regret that I spent my life staring into a phone.
I have been drained in the moment by staying up all night with a sick child; but ongoing relationships with my children have energized me for years.
The things that sustainably give you energy, especially long-term, tend to also be things that build your sense of happiness and fulfillment.
It’s usually simpler to ask: "Will this give me energy?" instead of, "Will this fulfill me?"
The first question is less threatening; and it also helps you do stuff that will become fulfilling down the road, even if it doesn't seem that way at first: like exercising.
Do I ever want to exercise? No! I want to watch cat videos, and eat pizza and ice cream!
But after I exercise, I always have more optimism and energy.
I know this, because I’ve tracked it. I’ve also tracked how I feel when I stay sedentary watching cat videos and eating pizza and ice cream. Afterwards, I feel drained and depressed.
Funny how that works. I’ve tracked it, I’ve written it down, I can’t fool myself by arguing with what I’ve tracked; so I know getting out for a brisk walk reliably gives me energy. Can’t argue with that any more.
That experiential knowledge, bolstered by my written record — plus, keeping my sneakers handy — is what gets me out the door. And hopefully the energy I invest in exercise will pay off later as well as now.
Tracking what really, truly gives you energy is one clear way to build yourself a well-lived life: a life of richness and depth, that cannot be summed up in one photo.
References
Housel, M. (2020) The Psychology of Money: Timeless lessons on wealth, greed, and happiness. Harriman House.
Podcast, Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris. #225: Happiness Takes Work | Sonja Lyubomirsky (5 February 2020) Available at: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/sonja-lyubomirsky-225 (Accessed: 27 April 2022).