Hey, Let’s Talk About Death
Both my husband and I have jobs where we routinely work with people who are dying, and with the families of people who have recently died. (And yet, we are still fun at parties!)
Reflecting on your own death is an ancient way of gaining clarity about what’s important to you. Today I offer you a two-fer: you can have all the contemplative benefits of the memento mori, AND do one of the kindest things you can possibly do for those who are closest to you. It’s rare that we can be so philosophical and pragmatic at the same time.
The circle of life, vegetarian version.
In this post I’ll be talking about documents you need to have, and about organizing your household records, so that your family is not thrown into needless chaos after you have died. Someone, or someones, will have to arrange for your funeral, find homes for your plants and pets, clean up your place, sell your home or negotiate your apartment lease, go through your files (paper and digital), close your accounts.
This is a lot of work, on top of the emotional work of dealing with a death in the family. Grief is also hard work. Death packs a resounding emotional punch for those closest to the person who died, whether their relationships in life were good, bad, or indifferent. Deaths of people in their nineties, who have been bed-bound for years, are still hard when the time actually comes. And unexpected deaths can be absolutely devastating.
The paperwork that comes after all deaths is hard work, too. But these things are exponentially harder, if the person who died did not leave things in good order.
The problem is, confronting our own deaths by dealing with the paperwork is also hard: both tedious, and emotionally charged. (Thanks a lot, Reality!)
No wonder so many people procrastinate on this. I certainly did. If you’re of a contemplative turn of mind, thinking of doing this as a memento mori practice might help. It’s hard to convey compassion over a blog post, but I know this is hard, in so many ways; and I know that getting these things in order is one of the greatest gifts you can possibly give to yourself, and to those closest to you.
For parents especially, creating clarity by organizing your papers sometimes makes the difference between your descendants becoming estranged from one another after you’re gone; and your family holding together even when there’s some conflict over how to manage things. Your being at peace with your own death, enough to get organized for it, brings a measure of peace to your people. Everyone involved is more at peace emotionally and spiritually, when you make your wishes and decisions clear.
It also cuts down on disputes. One of the many gifts of clarity is that it usually brings acceptance, even if some are disappointed by the outcome. “Well, that’s how Dad wanted it, he wrote it right there.”
You made it clear. That clarity alone can be healing.
So. I am going to pass along some strongly worded advice below, but first the disclaimer: I’m not a lawyer, I’m not an accountant. My opinion here is informed by having a ringside seat at the grief, chaos and sometimes outright human tragedies that result when people don’t have estate plans, and don’t have critical household information organized.
See a lawyer. See an accountant. See a therapist. See your neighbor’s new puppy dog. Do whatever you have to do, in order to give that gift of clarity to yourself and to your people.
Getting Records In Order For Your Death: What You Need to Do For Your People
I could tell you stories… but I can’t, actually; because that would be breaking confidentiality. So instead of sharing stories that are not mine to share, let’s jump to the takeaways:
People who die without wills, and who don’t have important information organized and accessible when they die, put their families through unnecessary, and often significant financial, legal, and emotional hardship. Sometimes people die suddenly, and we should all know this after two years of a pandemic. Don’t make your family and the bank and the utility companies and the social workers and the Google and the Instagram have to navigate the court system and its major red tape, to do what was your job. (And this IS your job. Who else’s would it be?)
You need a will, that is a) legal and b) current. You also need to update your beneficiaries with financial and insurance accounts. Sometimes ex-spouses inherit the IRA, because the beneficiary wasn’t updated. Sometimes kids end up in foster care even though nobody wanted or intended that. Get a will. Get a will that is actually legal where you live; wills need to be witnessed properly to be valid. The best way to be sure your will is valid is to pay for a real, currently licensed-in-your-place-of-residence lawyer to draw it up, so it actually does what you want it to do. (Yes, a lawyer is more expensive. Some things are good to save money on; but this is something that’s either done right, or not done at all. Sometimes what that means is that the lawyers your descendants need to hire, end up receiving much of the value from your estate…) Don’t trust the Internet for this. Don’t handwrite something; that’s not valid everywhere, I don’t care what your grandpa said. See a lawyer, who is currently licensed in good standing where you live. If you make major life changes, visit a lawyer again, update your will, and update your beneficiaries for your financial accounts. Having a legally valid will, and making sure your beneficiaries are up-to-date saves a world of hurt for people you love. …And this applies to young, single, childless, healthy people too: you’re not immortal, and if anything happens to you, it’s exponentially more traumatic for your people, because no one saw it coming. Get a real, legally valid will, and get the power of attorney documents listed below. (Usually if you go to a lawyer for a will, the critical documents below will be included.)
You need documents that name your health care power of attorney (the person who can make health care decisions for you, when you can’t), and name your legal power of attorney (the person who can manage your money and your property, when you can’t). These documents have different names in different places. The terms I know for these documents: an “advance medical directive,” which names the person who makes health care decisions for you, if you can’t; and a “durable power of attorney,” which names the person who manages legal and financial matters for you, if you can’t. These can be the same person, but they don’t have to be.
Regarding health care, my husband the medical man would add, to please appoint ONE person to be your health care power of attorney. Sometimes two people are appointed, but disagree about what to do. (We have both seen this scenario, in our jobs. Extremely stressful for all concerned, btw.) If no one is appointed, your state’s laws determine who makes decisions about your medical care. Some people are really taken by surprise when they’re informed, in the middle of a life-and-death crisis, that by law they are the one who has to make the call about life support. Please pick someone before everyone is huddled near the ICU, arguing about what you would have wanted them to do. Name a second who can step up if the one you name is not legally able to fulfill that responsibility.
Again, clarity is healing: people may question your decisions, but so what? At least they all know what you wanted… because you put it in writing ahead of time.
Talk to your people about your wishes. Do you want the medical staff to do everything possible to keep you alive, no matter what? Or, not?
Talk about it with those who are close to you. That’s the best way to insure your wishes are honored.
Maybe give away those special things BEFORE you die, if reasonable and feasible; or at least write a letter of instruction that goes with your will about who gets what. Or you could put sticky notes on the backs of things (”This alarm clock goes to Ernie. This dresser goes to Bert.”) That way, no one can fight over it and say, “But I was supposed to get that clock, Mom said I could have that.” Grieving does strange things to people’s thinking and emotional reasoning. Things that no one thought were special or important before someone dies, can turn into flash points that cause resentment for years.
Oh, wow. This is depressing!!! I’m going to get a piece of chocolate… BRB.
Okay, I’m baaack! And that was good chocolate! It is good to be alive.
And taking action on hard things is good, and empowering, besides. You will feel better if you do this. And you will — no doubt about it — seriously help people you love if you do this.
Getting your records in order also can help you come to greater peace with your own death, which benefits you and yours spiritually, legally, and financially. Accepting reality always leads to better things: putting your head in the sand, not so much.
When you are more at peace with your death, your people will be more at peace, at a difficult time, because you faced it, you clarified things, you were intentional.
Good stuff.
Hard stuff, but good stuff.
Resources for Organizing Your Paperwork
There is no need to reinvent the wheel: other people have already created superb, thorough resources online and offline — books, checklists, workbooks — to help you organize all this.
Below are two services to help you organize your records that I’ve kicked the tires on, that I think are both excellent. Be aware that I have not become a lawyer, or an accountant, or a data security expert either, since my disclaimer at the beginning of this post… so this is still purely my personal opinion, which I’m opining in March, 2022. Obviously YMMV, kick the tires for yourself, we’re grown-ups, we all know things change.
Both of these services offer books you can buy for a DIY project, if you prefer — but they also offer all the checklists and forms to organize this stuff.
Both services offer digital forms, and both offer ways to print those on paper, which I think is important for access, especially in a crisis; which a death in the family is.
One service is cloud-based, and the other gives you forms you can fill out and store on a local device.
Everplans
With Everplans, you create an account and fill out forms online, in the cloud, with several layers of security. You can then export your information as documents to store on your own computer, and to print out for paper copies. You can appoint deputies who can log in to see the information; and you’ll get a notice when they log in.
You have a lot of fine-grained control over who sees what information, when; which can actually be helpful for more cheerful things than death, like going on vacation.
For example, let’s say you’ve appointed a relative — let’s call this relative “Pat” — as your deputy. If you’re traveling and Pat is house-sitting for you, you can give Pat access to house-related information; but you can also block Pat from some information until after your death… like where you hid those steamy journals from that summer backpacking trip.
There’s a companion book to Everplans, which you can also use to work your way through this on your own: In Case You Get Hit by a Bus: How to Organize Your Life Now for When You’re Not Around Later.
Also, the Everplans website is full of free, helpful information.
“Get It Together: Organize Your Records So Your Family Won’t Have To”
Get it Together: Organize Your Records So Your Family Won’t Have To.
“Get It Together” is a book that’s regularly revised and updated. Purchasing the book gives you a link to download forms which you can store locally on your computer. (However, the forms are easily editable, so if you have concerns that someone might alter the information, something like Everplans might be better for you. )
“Get It Together” also offers a very nice, heavy-duty, companion 3-ring binder with pre-printed tabs to organize those forms. Since I love office supplies, of course I think this is great.
If the two choices above seem overwhelming, start with this much shorter list from AARP.
The good news is, projects like this is where treating yourself applies. Get on it, make the time, and get yourself some chocolate, or some gin, or some chocolate-flavored gin* to treat yourself afterwards. You earned it, and your people will truly appreciate your efforts.
I was inspired to do this by some of my people, who did this for me.
What a tremendous gift to those you love — and something that no one else can do for them.
You’ve got this!
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References
‘Memento mori’ (2022) Wikipedia. Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Memento_mori&oldid=1074559767 (Accessed: 17 March 2022).
https://www.everplans.com/ — even if you don’t use this service, they post excellent information on the website.
Schneiderman, A. and Seifer, A. (2020) In case you get hit by a bus: how to organize your life now for when you’re not around later. New York: Workman Publishing.
Cullen, M. and J.D, S.I. (2018) Get It Together: Organize Your Records So Your Family Won’t Have To. Eighth edition. NOLO.
AARP three-page list to organize documents: https://assets.aarp.org/external_sites/caregiving/resources/pdfs/organize_documents.pdf (Accessed: 30 March 2022).
I wrote elsewhere about thinking through access to online accounts at my other blog at analogoffice.net. The URL: https://analogoffice.net/2022/12/15/new-years-resolution.html
Notes
*On second thought, ewww, maybe not… …is that even a thing?